Reflecting today. I worked so hard to build character into my son. I knew from the time he was small that his conscience is not wired properly. He doesn't think things are wrong unless he gets caught. We worked and worked and worked. He has lied as a lifestyle since he was small. No matter the consequences, no matter the hurt he caused, he continued and continues to lie. I think sometimes he can't separate the lies from reality. He goes to great lengths to fabricate a story.
He has lost two jobs at least because of lying or dishonesty. I don 't understand. It's not the example he lived with. It's not what we taught him.
How many times did I believe him, defend him when he was really lying. It was very confusing to be his mom when he was in school. I remember the first time he tried to steal something when he was with me in the store. He was about ten. He came out of a lane with his hand firmly over his pocket looking guilty. He denied having anything in his pocket until I pried his hand away. I made him put the gum back and we left, me furious, he shedding crocodile tears.
Every mom wants to believe her child, especially when they claim to be hurting or unjustly treated. How many times did I come to his aid when he was the one hurting others or the one at fault? How many times did he use me to get him out of a scrape?
When he was around nine I got a call from a social worker after my son returned from a respite outing. A watch and $20 were missing and they were pretty sure my son had it. I defended him up and down. Now, all these years later, I wonder...
My son stole money from us all the time. He took money from my purse and then lied to my face. He stole money out of my change jar and his sister's change jar with absolutely no remorse.
I remember one time going to school and demanding he give my money back. He had the audacity to tell him I must have lost my money, but he would give me his and just go hungry. That was a scene repeated many times over.
Why is it that he is so manipulative, yet allows a woman to manipulate him?
How could he go from a seemingly loving and loyal son, brother and uncle to a cold, calculating human being?
Was his love and loyalty ever real? Did he behave lovingly and loyally because it suited and met his needs and that's all there was too it? It's hard to consider that; what other explanation is there?
Who IS this man??
He is not the loving little boy that I snuggled with. He's not the young adult who gave me bear hugs everyday and called me just to talk. He's not the teenager who prayed by my bedside when I had a migraine, or the young man who came to a teaching/healing conference and had his scars from cutting removed by God. Why has he strayed so far?
He is a stranger.
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