Today we had our annual Thanks/Christmas. Mom and Dad leave for Florida for the winter tomorrow, so we have our Thanksgiving and Christmas get together early.
This year I felt like crying the whole time. My sister didn't plan well, so my daughter and the kids couldn't be there. My son could care less about his family and was noticeably absent. Conspicuously absent. No one talked about him , asked about him, remarked about him. It is his birthday today as well. The Pain I feel is great. Twenty six years ago at this time I was getting ready for a c-section and greatly anticipating his birth. Now I feel only emptiness where a son should be.
I am trying to come to terms with the knowledge that my son has never loved me, that he is not capable of loving. It hurts so much it takes my breath away. All the hugs, all the protectiveness, all the words. Spoken falsely. At what point did this personality disorder begin? At what point did the infant I nursed and snuggled with become the manipulative child/adolescent/adult? Why did God give me a child like this? I am coming to terms with the realization that all the "attachment" was false. I am broken hearted.
He was supposed to go out with his dad last night. He backed out. I'm sad to say I'm not surprised.
My husband is really hurting. Quietly, but hurting nonetheless.
I am grieving the child I thought I had. The son that appeared to be so devoted. The son who seemed to love his niece and nephew so much--until one day he cast them off like discarded toys; they were heartbroken. I am grieving all the time and energy I poured into his life that was pointless. I am wondering why. Why is he so broken? At times I feel like most of my life with him was wasted. There is and was no way that he could have been raised well. To know that really he hasn't even rejected us--that would be a feeling--is equally painful. With rejection there is hope of reconciliation. With a personality disorder there is no human hope.
God would have to rewire his brain. That would be a miracle.
How then, do I go on? I have gone from having two children to having what in essence is an only child. She is hurting, but her hurt comes out as anger and hate. My porcupine child.
It is going to take God Strength to get me through....
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