Just when I think that I can't be hurt anymore, a new wave of pain comes along to show me differently. I'm battling, and I say battling deliberately, a deep, dark, and frightening depression. As bad as the episode that led to diagnosis and mediation 15 years ago.
It's like being stuck on the edge of a black hole; fighting to stay out of the void but feeling the pull to just give up.
There are several reasons for this episode. It's been a long rough year. In January my FIL was diagnosed as terminal. In February I found out that my son has ruined my daughter's reputation and cost her several friends.
March. Dad comes home with Hospice care, very ill. We didn't think he would last until Easter. Thanks to Hospice he rallied and had a good summer. He died in August. One month later my MIL went into the hospital for what was to be a simple operation and was there for three weeks. She is still very weak, but recovering.
At some point my brain couldn't keep up and depression struck. That was a month ago. I have new medication, which is beginning to help, but some of this is grieving over my son and my FIL. Mostly my son.
I don't think he will ever come back. I can't have him "back". I have been researching his behavior patterns and came across the NIHM's criteria for sociopathic personality. He fits every criteria. In some ways it is a relief. To know that no matter what I did, he is not capable of feeling guilt, shame or anything of the sort. It makes a lot of sense. I have always maintained that he was born without a conscience. Guess I was right. Not something that I am particularly happy to be right about.
I can't see him until I know that he can't get inside my head. He lies as easily as I breathe and in a heartbeat make me think I am crazy and don't know what I am talking about.
I apologized to my daughter for all the times I didn't believe her when they had two different stories. I feel foolish for having defended him to teachers and others.
I didn't realize the depth of my pain until my son called and asked my husband and me to go out for dinner with him and his girlfriend. I became hysterical, hyperventilating and unable to breathe. I had all that pain tucked away in a box; that phone call blew up my box.
My sister invited him to Thanksgiving knowing what he has done to our family. I feel completely betrayed.I feel like my feelings don't count and all this is being swept under the rug so they can see my oh-so-charming son. Thanks. A bunch. My family is soooo good at playing the denial game. If we pretend it doesn't exist then it must not and every thing is FINE.
Thank God for my husband and daughter who have been taking care of me these last several weeks.
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