Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I am reminding myself to be thankful in spite of my pain and grief. I have a beautiful daughter. I have two precious grandkiddos. I have a husband who loves and provides for me. I have an Abba Father who understands my pain because He was rejected by his first kids and His Son was rejected by many.

I have a home. My husband's job is secure. We have transportation. So many things I take for granted until I remember that I am the exception among women in most countries. 

I may sing and worship freely. I can let my voice soar in praise, confession, worship, adoration. 

You know, I haven't really grieved over my Father in law. I wonder when that is going to hit me in the scheme of things. I need to share with my therapist, (who insurance is finally paying so I can go back!) Seeing my mother in law without him is just surreal. I don't feel sad. I don't know what is wrong with me, unless the pain I feel over my son is overwhelming the grief I "should" be feeling for my fil.

I wonder what scam my son is pulling on his gf's family. I know they think he's the best thing ever. Wait until things come up missing. Or maybe he is too smart for that. He's got it easy, no one is challenging him. They are believing he is who he presents himself to be. 

I am so sad lately about the son I should have had. Not the son who has dumped me, my husband, my daughter and worst of all the grandkiddos. 
I am sad about that I never did have what I thought I had. 

I am trying to get my brain around the reality that I was living with a scheming manipulative person who only thought of himself, basically has no conscience or remorse for anything. How hard I worked with him. How much I poured into him. All the therapists, all the school meetings all for naught. 

My first clue was that he stopped speaking to me after I told him he had to get his own car insurance. The reality had dawned slowly, but now is out and in my face. And it hurts. A lot. My second clue was having him leave owing his cousin three months rent and them my bil several months rent.

It is going to take awhile to grieve, to become strong enough to see him without allowing him to read my emotions and take advantage of me. If he even cares to see me, that is. 

At times I believe it would be easier if he had died...because he is as lost to me as he would be if death took him. 

However, God is good. His mercies are new every morning. His plan for me is hope. I can rest in that. God will never change, never reject me, never forsake me.  And he will bring justice to my son.